What we don't see in the room.....

How many times have you had something to say in a meeting… and talked yourself out of saying it? I've done this more times than I can count.

Throughout my career, I've sat in meetings wondering why anyone would particularly want to hear my view. Everyone here knows more than me. Maybe I've misunderstood, perhaps this is obvious. I'll wait and see what everyone else thinks.

Particularly when I was younger, and often one of very few women in a room full of men, the imposter syndrome could be in full flow. So, I'd have a thought. Rehearse it in my head. Almost speak. Stop myself. Try again. And eventually decide it probably wasn't worth saying.

Then, more often than I care to remember, someone else would say exactly what I had been thinking. And everyone would nod. Or someone would ask the question I'd decided was too obvious to ask - and it would turn out half the room wanted to know the answer too.

I used to think the difference between me and the people who spoke up was that they were confident and I wasn't.

I don't believe that anymore.

Because we only ever see what other people choose to show us. We see the confident question. The assured opinion. The person who seems completely comfortable taking up space in the room.

We don't hear what's going on inside their head. We don't hear their "Is this a stupid question?" Their "What if I'm wrong?" Their "Everyone here knows more than me." Their "Should I just keep quiet?"

The longer I've worked, the more I've realised that most people have some version of that internal conversation.

There's research behind some of this too. The term "imposter phenomenon" comes from a 1978 study of high-achieving women, and later research suggests it's experienced widely, across genders and professions, regardless of how accomplished someone is. Separately, one large workplace survey found six in ten people say they regularly watch colleagues stay silent rather than share a differing view. So if you've felt this, you are very much not the exception in the room.

The difference isn't necessarily that the fear goes away. You just get better at not letting it make the decision for you.

Interestingly, that's not just my own theory, it's close to how positive psychology defines courage. Not the absence of fear, but the willingness to act in spite of it. Courage isn't a personality trait some people are born with and others aren't. It's something you practise.

I still have moments when I question whether what I'm about to say is worth saying. I've just learned to speak anyway.

And perhaps that's what confidence actually is. Not walking into a room believing you have all the answers. Not being the loudest voice. Not feeling completely certain before you open your mouth. It's feeling the fear and finding the courage to speak anyway.

We so often compare everything going on inside our own heads with what everybody else shows on the outside. And that’s rarely a fair comparison.

So perhaps the next time you're sitting in a meeting rehearsing something for the third time in your head, try saying it before you've perfected it. Ask the question you think everyone else knows the answer to. Offer the thought that isn't quite finished. Say, "Can I test an idea?"

You may be wrong. But my bet is that someone else in the room was sitting there thinking exactly the same thing, and was very glad you said it first.

References

Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The impostor phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 15(3), 241–247. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0086006

Radical Candor. (2026). Workplace trust and psychological safety survey [Survey data]. As reported in Cinquino, M. (2026, May 7). 6 in 10 employees are hesitant to speak up at work, says survey: "People are afraid to say the truth." CNBC Make It. https://www.cnbc.com/2026/05/07/6-in-10-employees-are-hesitant-to-speak-up-at-work-says-survey.html

Sakulku, J., & Alexander, J. (2011). The impostor phenomenon. International Journal of Behavioral Science, 6(1), 73–92.